Woman #1: I can read Portuguese, since I know Spanish. But READING Portuguese is different from UNDERSTANDING Portuguese.
Woman #2: Yeah. Portuguese is Spanish with a stroke.
Setup: This absurdly creepy man sat next to me on a plane and was telling me about his “girlfriend” from Kiev that he met online and was going to visit. This is merely a sample of the nuggets of pleasantness that came from this man’s mouth.
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Creepy Guy Named Rex: My mother passed away a month ago. I see how my dad is now, and I really don’t ever want to be alone like that.
Me, Pressed Against the Wall of the Airplane in Sheer Terror: Oh, I’m sorry for your loss.
CGNR: Oh it’s okay. It was actually a freak accident. She fell down the last four stairs in the basement, hit her head, and drowned in a pool of her own blood.
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CGNR: So the first time I met my girlfriend in person, we got to the hotel and there were two twin beds…so we [pantomimes moving the beds together]. Then in the morning, I notice that she puts on the SAME underwear as the day before. Then the next day, she puts on the SAME pair of underwear. I asked her how many pairs she has, and she says “two.” So I went out and bought her a week’s worth of underwear, and said that American girls change their underwear up to four times a day!
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CGNR: I stopped dating American two years ago.
Not really a quote, but airport-relevant.
In a Snapple cap: “Dolphins sleep with one eye open.”
THEY BETTER.
Three Orthodox Jewish girls arrive at the gate, pull out Hebrew prayer books (Siddur) and begin to pray. Moments later…
Man: Is that a Bible there?
Girl: …No, it’s one of our prayer books.
Man, pulling out Bible: Oh, see, we have the Old Testament and the New Testament. Do you have those?
Girl: No, that’s not part of our religion.
Man: So Jewish people don’t read the Bible?
Girl: No, that’s not part of our religion.
Man: Do you read the Hebrew translation? Because the translations are really unreliable. Each word can have several different meanings.
Father, to crying child: Maya, you need to BE QUIET.
Maya: I’m just trying to let my feelings out!
Father: Well do it QUIETLY!
Father, yelling after missing flight: YOU ARE THE WORST AIRLINE EVER! YOU HAVE LOST MY BUSINESS! I CAN’T BELIEVE HOW INCOMPETENT YOU ARE! NOW WE’VE MISSED THE FLIGHT AND IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT!
Child, approximately 8: Dad, calm down…there has to be a way!
Mother, to misbehaving 5-year-old: You better behave once we’re on the plane. Remember, I brought The Rope.
Child, crying, afraid: Nooo! I don’t want The Rooope!
